Like a Fish that Couldn’t Learn to Swim

Megha K V

The woman I hate the most
Once told me
to never cross the waters near home
without asking her

The day I tried
she hit me till my soul came out
and then told me
that the water would kill me

She then threw my favourite doll
In the water
To show me, how it drowns
I cried,
She said
“If I hear a sound,
I’ll throw you in”
So,
I learned to cry quietly

Father once took me there
on a Sunday
I don’t know much about Sundays
except that
Sunday’s were the only days
I don’t get beaten up

Father showed me fishes that day
I asked him
Don’t they drown??
He said
No, they know to swim.

I asked him again
So they don’t die?

He said
No, they swim
Water can’t kill them
they swim.

I asked him again
So if I were a fish
water wouldn’t kill me?

He said
You can be a fish,
you can be a bird
You can be a flower
You can be the clouds
nothings gonna kill you
I’m here
nothings gonna kill you

I asked him again
Nothing?
He assured,
Nothing

I asked again
You’re here?

He promised,
“I’m here”

Father died that summer

I never learned to swim
I never learned to cry aloud
Neither did I learn to trust promises

When I’m scared
I sink my head in a bucket full of water

I imagine drowning
like my doll,
like a fish
that couldn’t learn to swim
breathless
Lost
and cold

I keep my eyes open

I imagine the ocean
I say,
I’m not a fish
I’m not a bird
I’m not a flower
nor am I a cloud

Nothing’s gonna kill me Father
When I’m already dead.